When you realise you might be out into the open world for the very first time…
When I moved out of home and went to uni I said that this was it. I wasn’t going to be moving back home, not over the winter/easter breaks, not over the summer and certainly not when I finish university.
Since then my room had been given to my brother, my stuff that I didn’t take still inside and whenever I have come home for a night I have slept on the sofa – yet this week all is about to strange and it has given me a rather hollow feeling.
This week my sister is moving into that room and my brother into her (smaller) room. What this also means is that all my stuff has been moved out – it currently resides in the living room, this is the transitional period before it gets moved to the loft.
It is now that I realise something – sure while before I didn’t want to come back home, now the choice is being made for me; I am out and I am out on what feels like my own for the first time.
I sit here looking now, I have broken xbox 360’s, clothes, CD’s, books, an amp, two guitars (one of which has sum major chips in it where it has been dropped…) and a whole other host of stuff. First thoughts are is this it? This is the collection of stuff I didn’t want to take to uni, my childhood and the relics of me growing up. When this stuff goes into the loft the chances of this coming down from the depths are about as likely as me not getting fucked over by 501ent within the next year.
“You will always have a home here,” has been of course uttered many a time, but with my stuff being moved out completely and me having to sort which crap goes back to my already full uni room or is stuck in the loft to break/get moist-cold-hot-damp-etc/never seen again is going to be tough.
It has made me realise that while yes I had loads of shit, but still it is my shit. This has made me see that when I finish my uni course that this really isn’t going to be a place that I could live. I am out in the wild, my connections to this house are fading away till just family ties remain. It is an odd feeling, liberating in sense as this signals the signs that I am growing up faster then we may actually think we could… faster then we believed (or wanted to believe) possible.
It’s like future paths are flashing in front of me, I am not 16 drinking with my friends thinking about university anymore. I am not 18 working my ass of to get into Uni anymore. I am not 19, sat in my halls of residence hoping that an opportunity would fall in my lap anymore. I am certainly not the 20 year old guy sat in my new uni house, trying to find this opportunity but succumbing to demotivation anymore- quite simply because I (and we all) can’t afford to be that guy (or girl if females are reading) anymore. Times are changing and those serious about getting out on their own and making something of their life…well let me tell you this, things have come crashing home for me – now is the time and it is fucking scary. You think you have moved out, but once your stuff is actually going completely then you know you are out, it feels different – impossible to explain, but recognizable and understandable when it occurs.
This becomes terrifying- job prospects are low and I have no idea what I am going to do in a years time when I leave uni with my bit of paper; let alone in 5 years or 8 years when I will need to have a job, a steady wage and a place of my own to store my stuff… and begin properly collecting more.
Let me leave you with this – I am quoting myself below, but this is the only way I could think of to make this stand out, cause I guess this is what I am trying to say:
I am now at the crossroads, which is where I begin to realise that I am lost.
Do I have a map telling me the direction my life will go in? No, but then that is half the fun of a road trip guess. I might not know where I am going … or how I am going to get their, but I guess the one thing I do know is that it’s going to be one hell of an interesting ride!
Thanks for reading! Really appreciate it as always!